Assalamualaikum there. Nothing much to say though, just having mental breakdown lately. Guess i should write it somewhere since i couldnt talk about this to anyone. And since nobody would be reading this. I'm sorry dear the fact that i just find you when i'm sad.
Well theres a name i managed to erase from my memories, and i fought hard everytime i saw this name. I tried my best. My very best to avoid remembering issaram. Damn it was harder than i thought. I didnt give myself an option whether to cherish all memories or shut them out for my sake. And i chose the wrong one. Did i?
Living with fond memories of me and who-shouldnt-be-mentioned-one is kind of hard since i'll be blaming myself more and more. I was a fool before until then. But never thought that shutting the saram of my life were twice harder. Ive blocked issaram from all my social media but some of them didnt work out when issaram reconnect with me back and i didnt have courage to block issaram once again 💔 i tried to avoid contacting issaram and even froze my heart whenever i saw issaram name. I wonder if issaram would want to forgive me and we could be friend as if nothing happened in the past. Unfortunately its too impossible as i'm not making ant-sized-mistake!
This was my one and only reason to shut issaram out of my sight. Its me ashamed of myself for making bloody fool thing i couldnt forgive myself. Which then led me to anxiety and depression i almost lost my sanity just to think about it. Thats when i decided to erase issaram forever. And i. I did it. I managed to ignore everything related to issaram. Although sometimes i break my own rules whenever issaram post about cats and rt stupid things which is my favorite. But still i hold my tongue not to say issaram's name. I was proud of myself at that moment. Until last sunday.
When issaram's the one who lead the first conversation. My mind went blank, i barely breathing, as if the air surrounds me being poisoned, and i suffocated. This was the hardest part of our story. That just how i feel. I faked the conversation, make it sounds like we were close like as if nothing ever happened between us. This is just so wrong. I shouldnt just be weak. Ive been hopeless just in a second, burning the fact that ive fought damn very hard for a long time to moved on.
I wanna cried my heart out asking am i werent given a chance to fix this my own way? Did i really have to take all the blame and walk with it for the rest of my life? Then should i just grieve in pain till the last day i'll spend? If only i have the guts to say i'm sorry, please forgive me. Will i ever be happy again? Hm. I'm totally at loss. Loss of words, loss of my own thoughts. I should be grateful that i'm able to talk to you again. But my heart and mind dont say the same thing. It hurts. It hurts everytime. Its even hurts until now. Its too hurt. Too hurt to face with fake happy smileys and laughing voice machine help.
I'm sorry rabb for being this weak, sorry if i mistook Your plans. I know i deserve this punishment. I tried my best to face it with all my courage. I know i am strong, but if i werent, will You keep lending me more? Please. Tell me issarams ulterior motive, is it a good one or the opposite. So that i could manage my anxiety disorder.
And dear you, you who shouldnt supposed to come back, i do feel happy with the fact that its not me first leading us to a conversation. But still i kept wondering why so sudden? Is there any crucial things you wanna talk to me? I hoped nothing much but the good one please. Sorry that my heart is still fragile. Although i say the pain wont kill me, it does. Silently it does. Thats the reason why i backed off. Thanks for your bold responses all this while, that helped me to move on. I know your heart wont fall apart because of a moron like me, i wish i could be as cold as you. The fact that ive moved on, gone disappeared when you talked to me. If only you knew how hard i was fighting with my own self, get through this wavy feelings, all the pain and stressing moments. Forgive me for trying to erase you. I had to. Forgive my foolishness from the first day i knew you, until the day we finally wont be able to reach out for each other. Anymore. Its my fault.
I shouldve stopped crying my heart out once i stop writing. I should.
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