who-shouldnt-be-missed-saram

Assalamualaikum there. Nothing much to say though, just having mental breakdown lately. Guess i should write it somewhere since i couldnt talk about this to anyone. And since nobody would be reading this. I'm sorry dear the fact that i just find you when i'm sad.

Well theres a name i managed to erase from my memories, and i fought hard everytime i saw this name. I tried my best. My very best to avoid remembering issaram. Damn it was harder than i thought. I didnt give myself an option whether to cherish all memories or shut them out for my sake. And i chose the wrong one. Did i?

Living with fond memories of me and who-shouldnt-be-mentioned-one is kind of hard since i'll be blaming myself more and more. I was a fool before until then. But never thought that shutting the saram of my life were twice harder. Ive blocked issaram from all my social media but some of them didnt work out when issaram reconnect with me back and i didnt have courage to block issaram once again 💔 i tried to avoid contacting issaram and even froze my heart whenever i saw issaram name. I wonder if issaram would want to forgive me and we could be friend as if nothing happened in the past. Unfortunately its too impossible as i'm not making ant-sized-mistake! 

This was my one and only reason to shut issaram out of my sight. Its me ashamed of myself for making bloody fool thing i couldnt forgive myself. Which then led me to anxiety and depression i almost lost my sanity just to think about it. Thats when i decided to erase issaram forever. And i. I did it. I managed to ignore everything related to issaram. Although sometimes i break my own rules whenever issaram post about cats and rt stupid things which is my favorite. But still i hold my tongue not to say issaram's name. I was proud of myself at that moment. Until last sunday. 

When issaram's the one who lead the first conversation. My mind went blank, i barely breathing, as if the air surrounds me being poisoned, and i suffocated. This was the hardest part of our story. That just how i feel. I faked the conversation, make it sounds like we were close like as if nothing ever happened between us. This is just so wrong. I shouldnt just be weak. Ive been hopeless just in a second, burning the fact that ive fought damn very hard for a long time to moved on. 

I wanna cried my heart out asking am i werent given a chance to fix this my own way? Did i really have to take all the blame and walk with it for the rest of my life? Then should i just grieve in pain till the last day i'll spend? If only i have the guts to say i'm sorry, please forgive me. Will i ever be happy again? Hm. I'm totally at loss. Loss of words, loss of my own thoughts. I should be grateful that i'm able to talk to you again. But my heart and mind dont say the same thing. It hurts. It hurts everytime. Its even hurts until now. Its too hurt. Too hurt to face with fake happy smileys and laughing voice machine help. 

I'm sorry rabb for being this weak, sorry if i mistook Your plans. I know i deserve this punishment. I tried my best to face it with all my courage. I know i am strong, but if i werent, will You keep lending me more? Please. Tell me issarams ulterior motive, is it a good one or the opposite. So that i could manage my anxiety disorder. 

And dear you, you who shouldnt supposed to come back, i do feel happy with the fact that its not me first leading us to a conversation. But still i kept wondering why so sudden? Is there any crucial things you wanna talk to me? I hoped nothing much but the good one please. Sorry that my heart is still fragile. Although i say the pain wont kill me, it does. Silently it does. Thats the reason why i backed off. Thanks for your bold responses all this while, that helped me to move on. I know your heart wont fall apart because of a moron like me, i wish i could be as cold as you. The fact that ive moved on, gone disappeared when you talked to me. If only you knew how hard i was fighting with my own self, get through this wavy feelings, all the pain and stressing moments. Forgive me for trying to erase you. I had to. Forgive my foolishness from the first day i knew you, until the day we finally wont be able to reach out for each other. Anymore. Its my fault. 

I shouldve stopped crying my heart out once i stop writing. I should.

Its a Taste of Test

 السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Hai..dah jawab salam belum? Kalau belum sila jawab dulu..dah? K good.. its been a while right 😅 i'm sorry for my long absence..its not that i gave up writing its just i'm quite lazy+busy, sorry huhu..i actually had a lot to write here but itsokay i'll just pick some interesting moments to be remembered..by me ofcourse..why? Because lately ive been facing à drastic changing of mood without me realizing so i guess it might be too hard to just be kept inside..

Aduh parah betul kalau dah selit english mesti susah nak back to malay..nak buat cemana, dulu memang teror tulis dalam bm, buat ayat macam novel bagai tapi sejak dah lepas 17 ni lagi banyak attached to english-sort-of-study-mode tu yang bm dalam jiwa aku sikitsikit tanpa sedar terhakis..nak je cakap melayu tapi tengok ah sendiri betapa tak teraburnya ayat aku haha so better aku mix je dua bahasa ni which easy for me to understand later..

Okay back to the moments i wanna tell you here, fyi, ive finished 2 1/2 year already, dalam course multimedia puaka ni..and of course i am so proud of myself..pasaipa? Haha pasai dari awal study jiwa aku memang takleh lekat dengan segala topik and pengajaran pasal course ni..mana taknya, aku pilih course ni sebab aku suka ejaan MULTIMEDIA, bukan sebab aku nak mendalami apa tu multimedia..haha jangan tanya kenapa begitu..satu je aku bole cakap, takdir..mungkin dah lebih 40kali kot aku cakap nak pursue my study in multimedia section..or maybe sebab kegilaan aku terhadap negara Jepun yg kaya dengan gadget powerpower ni..apapun aku bersyukur sangat bila Allah aturkan takdir aku seunik dan sehebat ini..walaupun..bukan senang nak mendaki..nampak je tangga tu semakin menaik..tapi hakikatnya dalam menaik tu, ada anak tangga yang berlubang, hilang, condong, simen belum kering, berlumur minyak masak dan macamacam lagilah sepanjang pendakian tu..hakikat ni aku mula sedar sejak sem1 lagi, bila kau mulakan, kau mesti akhirkan..walau apapun terjadi, you gotta be strong and move on..ofcourse banyak ujian/halangan yang kena tempuh but by the end of the journey, its worth and every hardships paid off, as long as you have faith and believe in yourself..haha bukan tak pernah aku nak mengalah, berundur diri..

Tiap kali ada masalah berat, oke jap to be honest masalah student kolej yang sentiasa berat(untuk orang yang berasal dari keluarga sederhana ni) bab duit..whenever you wanna think about yourself, you need to first think about your family..eg kau kena buat projek mahal, duit yang tinggal cuma untuk makan..kalau guna duit tu untuk projek nanti duit makan dah burn..tapi nak mintak parents lagi, macam tak berbaloi je sedangkan kau tahu kehidupan kat rumah macamana..untuk aku, nilaa crucial moment aku kena hadap in term of financial..satu je cara aku nak ubat hati, ingat ada lagi orang yang lebih kurang beruntung dari kau so be grateful..

Alhamdulillah aku dipermudahkan bila dapat pinjaman dari MARA, yang sepatutnya aku takdapat pun sebab lambat submit borang..Allah maha Besar, dalam waktu MARA dah hentikan tawaran pinjaman utk student diploma masatu, aku boleh dikatakan orang terakhir yang pass walaupun tarikh dah expired..bersyukur memang tak terkata Allah je tahu..memang la pinjaman bukan biasiswa so what? Aku tetap bersyukur sebab takyah nak susahkan parents bagi belanja tiap2 bulan semua..i dont mind kena bayar balik sebab duit tu pun aku pakai bukan untuk orang lain..its for myself and alhamdulillah dengan adanya duit pinjaman MARA tu jugak, aku dapat tolong parents aku..and budak MARA ni memang tak sah kalau tak kena maki hamun sebab habiskan duit pinjaman dekat benda2 tak berfaedah macam gi makan mahal, gi tengok wayang, gi karok bagai..tipu la kalau aku tak terkena tempias..apa aku nak cakap is, duit pinjaman tu atas nama aku, and aku diperintah bayar balik lepas habis belajar nanti..jangan risau la kemana perginya duit tu selagi aku tak amik pun duit kome2 yang suka menghentam ni..as long as aku ingat asal usul aku, and tahu batas kehendak aku, tahu tanggungjawab aku, you have nothing to worry..i will pay back as mush as i owe..aku faham korang prihatin, tapi tolong la jangan disebabkan sorang dua, semua student yang dapat pinjaman MARA sekali kena kondem..

Oke enough with that MARA loan talk, lets continue with studies..semua orang dah maklum yang aku ni memang seorang awin yang memang tak pernah cerdik dari kecik lagi..i'm a bit slow but when it comes to eat or gadget, i'll be among the top 10 first bhaha..sepanjang sem yang aku dah habiskan, takkan pernah ada subjek yang aku core, even in programming language..tapi tulah aku heran bila orang cakap aku terer coding..jap sebelum orang tuduh aku riya' ke bongkak ke, aku state awal2 yang aku tak pernah sikitpun bangga dengan gelaran apa pun orang bagi kat aku..jenis aku bila orang bagi gelaran/puji2 tulah yang makin buat aku down, sebab kebenarannya cuma aku yang tahu sape diri aku dan katmana kemampuan aku yang sebenar..aku pun tak tahu normal ke cara pemahaman aku ni tapi this is the truth of my dark side..oke jom sambung, actually aku sendiri tahu aku yang paling low dalam course aku sbeab secara tak sengaja aku dibagi peluang utk semak fail2 peribadi coursemates aku, guess what semua bukan orang biasa2..most of them ex pengawas, ex KETUA pengawas, asal sekolah mrsm, sijil penghargaan takyah cakap ah fail ratarata memang berkepuk..masa dapat tahu semua tu aku dapat rasa betapa kerdilnya aku dalam kelompok tu..benda tu jugak sedikit sebanyak memang mempengaruhi aku waktu belajar..no wonder lah dorang semua boleh catch up sekali je apa lecturer2 ajar sedangkan aku kena pretend *whoa i got that* takpun *oh macam tu* padahal the fact that my mind already dead, i cant even understand why lecturers ask me is there any question? That was the hardest moment in my life, trying to understand what kind of nonsense everyone talking about..

Coursemates aku yang perasan aku mesti langsung tak berhenti pandang slide masa lecture session, walaupun orang slide m/s berapa, aku takkan jawab sebab fokud nsk catch up apa lecturer cakap..pergh betapa teruknya bebal aku ni memang lost words..bila part coding, satu je benda yang buatkan aku boleh buat sampai dapat..sebab whenever theres an error, you gotta fix it first kalau nak pass..selagi error tak habis selagi tulah ulang and refix error tu..dah memang adat programming macamtu..and of course aku bukanlaa student dengan IQ tinggi boleh detect error katmana haha lol..i still ask someone to point me mana satu error tu..and of course theres a time aku taktahu pun nak fix macamana, then i'll ask..i wont just sit quietly waiting for someone to give me full answer..i cant do that..i wont do that..if only u knew how hard someone tries to build a successful coding, surely you wont ever do that..tu je..

Pasang surut pointer tu memang dah jadi kewajipan utk student UTM..pasaipa lagu tu? Haha its not easy dude walaupun kau amik program kerjasama and everyone thought you success because of that budak-kolej-kerjasama-term haha you do seriously think we dont have our own effort besides lecturers' carry mark huh? Haha youre so pathetic for judging us by that..carry marks lecturers pegang 40% je and selebihnya final exam..kalau lecturers UTMKL baik hati bagi tips utk final exam then thats a total luck, kalau tak haa fikir sendiri laa..40% carry marks pulak bukan senang nak dapat..kalau kau ada effort, baru kau dapat..takda belajar dalam dunia ni senang even utk budak kolej kerjasama..you should be really careful with your words if you judge our effort..

Macam aku ni result memang boleh tahan gak laa kalau lukis graf tu ada rupa daki bukit agaknya..sebab sem1 tinggi, sem2 rendah..then sem3 tinggi balik, sem4 rendah pulak..normal sangat result macamtu..and for sure result tu laa yang buktikan effort kau tahap mana haha..macam aku yang pemalas and slow ni, mmg curam la..cuba kalau rajin mesti tanah rata je nak sampai puncak..bole bawak keta lagi tu..

Tapi aku tak faham satu je..kenapa orang nak kena judge your success is just by luck/coincidence..tak ke rasa orang boleh kecik hati dengan statement rupa tu..yes aku memang uneducated, slow, berlagak pandai(dapat title ni masa form5) tapi aku cuma percaya rezeki datang dari Allah, kau pandai ke tak pandai ke bila Allah bagi kena bersyukur, redha..aku sendiri tak expect boleh masuk deanlist, tapi apa aku tahu masa exam tu semangat aku memang naik lain macam sebab senior2 first batch graduate masatu, aku punya kagum and spiritboosted bila tengok dorang sarung baju konvo sambil pegang transkrip UTM betul2 naikkan semangat aku..lagilagi bila dahlama berangan nak pakai jubah konvo sebab since tadika sampai menengah tak pernah sekali pun merasa pakai jubah tu..tak tahu pun jubah tu kain jenis apa..betapa pathetic nya aku dengan jubah konvo sangat haha..hm maybe sebab tu result aku pun naik mendadak since aura dari seniors kuat sangat really thanks to them..aku cuma wonder subjek last je dapat apa sebab paper last tu kat rumah memang tak study langsung to be honest sebab ada family gathering belah ayah..aku ni jenis esok exam, malamni start study so malamtu memang aku dah lost gila tak study tambah dengan semalamnya gi wedding adik kakjer..penat membuakbuak buat aku kecundang pasrah nak study..

apapun memang bersyukur sangat..sebabtu kot kena selalu bersyukur, nanti Allah tambah lagi..act aku taktau la ni rasa riya' ke apa, tapi apa yang aku rasa, aku bangga dengan diri aku sendiri walaupun selalu rasa diri ni loser, tapi Allah banyak bantu naikkan semangat, selalu bagi pertolongan walaupun aku tak layak tapi Allah tak pernah memilih dalam beri rezeki..aku cuma harap ni bukan istidraj..nauzubillah min zalik..and of course result kalini aku hadiahkan utk family aku, walaupun ibuayah takfaham sangat apa yang aku hadap, apa yang aku buat, apa yang aku dapat, (ibuayah belajar sampai menengah je, duadua kerja kilang, duadua paling tua dalam adikberadik, duadua kena banyak berkorban demi adik2, walaupun oranglain tak pandang semua tu even sedara mara pun, bagi aku dorang my champion, for teaching me what life is really mean; youll sacrifice everything for someone worth a world for you) still aku takkan berhenti untuk hadiahkan something as a present for their hardships..although its just a small gift, i'll continue to make some more, this is my vow..

Sungguh, tanpa Allah, tanpa doa parents and lecturers, tanpa pertolongan kawan2 aku semua, i wouldnt ever reach this level..apa yang aku harap, aku dapat buat yang terbaik utk praktikal nanti, and success sampai grad, sampai aku dapat sarung baju konvo idaman aku tu, walaupun cuma untuk sekali, i really wanted to wear those attires..moga2 Allah sempatkan aku..aamiin..huhu actually ni je aku nak cerita..pasal pahit manis dalam hadapi perjuangan utk sebuah transkrip..yang mana berkait dengan title yang aku letak..macamacam rasa ujian ni, alhamdulillah hampir semua rasa pernah aku diuji, tinggi selangkah je lagi menuju penghujung..semoga terus kuat dan tabah, wahai aku..andai kau baca coretan kau masa kau dah dewasa nanti, waktu kau diuji satu lagi rasa yang tak tertahan, kembalilah cari semula semangat kau, pengorbanan orang sekeliling kau dalam coretan ni..bangkitlah semula jadi seorang awin yang mampu menelan semua rasa demi bahagia di akhirnya..bangkitlah..

Bhaha sastera tak ayat? Ayat rupa tu laa aku buat masa pakar guna blog zaman kanak2 riang dulu..sedap la jugak kan? Okay laa sampai sini je luahan hati..terima kasih daun keladi, ada masa mehlaa tulis lagi..

P/s: segala coretan adalah ditujukan untuk diri aku sendiri, dan mungkin orang teristimewa satu hari nanti..